


if only i could wait for you (if only you could stay)

by knoxoursavior



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Era, Eruri Week 2019, M/M, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 15:35:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20449460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knoxoursavior/pseuds/knoxoursavior
Summary: (He remembers dying.)





	if only i could wait for you (if only you could stay)

**Author's Note:**

> thank u to [completist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/completist/pseuds/completist%22) for listening to me while i was writing this ily 😌😌

He remembers voices. Arguing, screaming. Then, in his ear, soft and apologetic.

He remembers a feather-light touch across his cheeks, the line of his nose, smoothing out the space between his eyebrows.

He remembers—

_ Rest now, Erwin. _

  
  


(He remembers dying.)

  
  


Erwin wakes up.

There's a fire crackling a few feet away from him. Too many sighs breathed into the heavy night air. Too many for the tens and hundreds of soldiers who followed behind him and died because of it.

Is he—

"Erwin?" 

Levi's voice is a splash of water to a parched man.

Erwin opens his eyes to the sight of the full moon peeking through the foliage.

"Awake already?" Levi continues. "You've only been sleeping for an hour."

He's sitting by Erwin's feet. Close enough that Erwin need only stretch his legs to touch him, so he does, and he leaves his foot pressed against Levi's thigh.

"Bad dream," Erwin murmurs. He watches Levi's hair fall across his eyes as he tilts his head, watches Levi reach out with one hand to smooth a wrinkle over Erwin's knee.

"Go back to sleep," Levi says. His hand is cold even through the fabric of Erwin's pants, but Erwin doesn't mind.

Erwin nods, and drifts off to sleep soon after. 

  
  


At some point, their expeditions started to blur together. Punctuated by deaths, ended in defeat. The only thing that changed were the names Erwin had to write down later.

That changed after Eren. With Eren came hope. A chance Erwin hadn't known he'd been fighting for. Everything felt different after that. It felt like they were actually  _ doing _ something. 

This should feel different too. This is them, taking back Wall Maria. This is the Survey Corps, spirits high, ears still ringing with the cheers of the people they've vowed to protect.

Somehow, Erwin still feels like he's done this before.

  
  


(There's this soldier. A new recruit. Instead of a name, the first thing that comes into Erwin's mind when he sees the soldier is an image of him, crumpled on the ground, barely recognizable under all the blood covering his face.

Erwin can't look at him again after that.)

  
  


Levi always sticks close to him, but it feels different this time.

Every press of Levi's skin against his. Every time Levi pulls him down so they can bow their heads together and whisper plans, strategies, things they already know by heart. Every look Levi sends Erwin's way when he should be scanning their surroundings, focusing on things that are more important than the line of his throat or the curve of his lips.

Everything Levi does feels like a prayer. Erwin doesn't think about why. 

  
  


Erwin sees the Beast titan and he  _ knows.  _ He knows what needs to be done just like he knows how to breathe air into his lungs. Just like he knows death is an old friend, waiting for him with open arms.

Just like he knows he won't be able to get to that basement and find out the truth.

He looks to his left, like a flower to the sun, and there Levi is. Erwin opens his mouth without thinking, words ready to spill from between his lips, but—

There's the faint memory of Levi's eyes, dark, resigned. Levi's shoulders, carefully relaxed as he kneels on the ground in front of Erwin.

He doesn't want to make Levi have to tell him. He doesn't want to make Levi feel like he's taking part in a choice that is Erwin's to make.

Erwin knows what he needs to do.

_ (Give up on your dream and die—) _

He reaches out and squeezes Levi's shoulder.

"Erwin?"

There's franticness in Levi's voice. That, at least, doesn't sound familiar. Doesn't feel like a memory. Doesn't make Erwin feel like he's wading through a dream.

Something clicks into place in Erwin's mind, then.

"Levi," he says, "if I die, will you tell me what's in the basement?" 

Levi's eyebrows furrow. His hand closes around Erwin's wrist. Hard enough to bruise, but—ah. That won't matter, in the end. 

"How am I supposed to tell you if you're dead, idiot?"

Erwin's lips curl up into a smile.

"I'll always keep an ear out for you, Levi."

Levi's expression hardens before it can crumple. He'll be alright.

  
  


Erwin wakes up.

He wonders if his mind is playing tricks on him, but this time, the memory of dying is so vivid, so painful, that he knows it could be nothing but real.

  
  


(It scares him.)

  
  


Erwin sees the Beast titan and feels the resignation that has settled in his bones. Feels  _ wrong _ because he should be fired up, should be rearing to pull his men together and fight.

Resignation is his enemy more than fear has ever been. Because fear leads to survival just as much as bravery does. Because resignation leads to nothing but meaningless death. There's a difference between giving his life because he must and giving his life because there is nothing else than he can do.

His hands shake until he balls them up into fists and pins them to his sides.

"I'm staying," Levi tells him.

Erwin doesn't protest.

  
  


Levi dies before he does.

Never again.

  
  


Erwin wakes up.

The moon shines over them the same way it has before, but the air has changed. It suffocates him, makes him gasp for breath as the world spins around him.

And then there's Levi, slipping his hand into Erwin's, murmuring into Erwin's ear. His breath is hot against Erwin's skin, and Erwin focuses on that. Focuses on Levi right here, with him.

But it's hard. It's  _ hard.  _ It's too much. One person shouldn't mean more to Erwin than the rest. One person's death shouldn't break Erwin's heart more than the thousands he's already witnessed before, the thousands that he's caused. 

Then again, Levi has never been much like anyone else, and Erwin has never pretended not to think otherwise.

  
  


(The memory of Levi, dead, unmoving, is one Erwin will never forget. He will not let himself forget, even if he wants to.)

  
  


Erwin sees the Beast titan and feels anger spark in his chest.

The Beast will die, one way or another. Erwin will make sure.

  
  


(Erwin lives to see Levi cut off one of the Beast titan's arms. And then he dies, but he dies with the hope that maybe, maybe this time—) 

  
  


Erwin wakes up.

  
  


Again, he dies. Again, he wakes up.

It's starting to get old, at this point.

  
  


Erwin sees the Beast titan. He turns to Levi.

"Isn't this tiring?" he asks. He doesn't really expect an answer, but—

"Yes."

  
  


(Erwin sees Levi die again. Levi doesn't even  _ try.) _

  
  


Erwin wakes up.

Does he? He isn't quite sure anymore.

  
  


Erwin isn't really thinking when he reaches for Levi's hand as they walk. He isn't thinking when he pulls Levi close and keeps him there.

Later, he kisses Levi before they go their separate ways to deal with the Beast titan. He isn't thinking then either.

  
  


Erwin wakes up.

He's barely opened his eyes before he feels himself. being pulled to his feet.

"You're going back," Levi says.

The bags under his eyes seem even darker than usual, but perhaps it's just shadows emphasizing Levi's sharp edges. Erwin isn't sure; he reaches up to make sure, but Levi catches him before he can.

"Erwin. If you don't get up right now, I'm going to break your legs and make you drag yourself home."

Levi's grip on him is painful. Erwin wants to pull his hand away just so he can slip his fingers between Levi's. He doesn't; not yet.

Instead, he says, "You've threatened me with that before."

A muscle jumps in Levi's jaw. Erwin wants to press his lips against it and breathe into Levi's skin until he softens and melts.

(Erwin misses him.)

"You're going back," Levi repeats. Erwin recognizes the steel in his eyes, in the line of shoulders, the set of his lips. An unstoppable force.

Usually, Erwin lets himself get swept away. Levi is most beautiful when he's unrestricted, free, flying. He tries not to be selfish, tries not to get in the way of that.

But this time—

This time is different.

This time, there is the faint trembling of Levi's hands. The breathy quality to his words. The nervous movement of Levi's throat as he swallows.

Levi never allows himself to be so transparent.

"I'm not leaving you," Erwin says, but arguing with Levi is never easy.

He finds himself inches away from Levi. Hands fisted into his lapels. Levi's hot breath in his space.

It's been years since he last saw Levi like this.

"Are you an idiot?" Levi screams. "You're going to die if you don't go back, Erwin."

The others are waking up around them, coming to attention. By tomorrow, it won't matter that they're witnessing this right now.

In this moment, they don't matter.

Erwin takes Levi's hands in his. Gently pries them away from his shirt. Rubs at the redness of Levi's palms and presses a kiss to each wrist.

He doesn't let Levi pull away.

"Stop that," Levi says, but he's lost his fight.

"I'm not leaving you," Erwin repeats.

Levi clenches his fist. Unclenches. Under his breath, "You just want to see what's in the basement. Idiot."

Erwin laughs. He wonders if he should have bitterness lacing his voice, but—

"That goddamned basement. I haven't thought about that in so long."

He watches the knot between Levi's brows, watches it deepen. Traces his gaze along the vein on Levi's forehead. 

"What are you talking about?" Levi asks, and Erwin—

Erwin has to pause. Has to swallow against the lump in his throat.

Erwin hates how Levi sounds. Hates that he's the reason why Levi sounds the way he does.

Scared.

(Erwin knows what that feels like, intimately.)

He bows his head, presses his forehead against Levi's knuckles.

"I don't think I'll ever find out, Levi," he says. 

He breathes in. Holds it—

_ One _

_ Two _

_ Three— _

"I'll get you there."

Erwin looks up. Levi looks back at him, wide-eyed. He doesn't hesitate.

"No," he says. "You won't, and I don't need you to."

Erwin reaches out, slips a hand around the back of Levi's neck. Brings them closer with a tug until their foreheads are pressed together and their breaths are mingling in what space is left between them.

He eases into his next words.

"I've given up on that dream, Levi. You should give up on me too."

  
  


This time, they die side by side. Bodies curled around each other. Hands clasped together.

Erwin dies with his heart in his hand.

  
  


(Levi wakes up.)

**Author's Note:**

> hey u can find me on [twt](http://twitter.com/singeiji)!!


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